Welcome back. Tim here. I hope you’re all doing well. Whether you’re a patron of YCC, a homie that enjoyed my previous writing endeavors, my grandma who clicked on the Facebook link I shared minutes after this blog was posted, (Grandma, let me know if you need more decaf before Sunday dinner) or you're just a digital vagabond surfing the web when you should probably be working, thank you for reading my blog post. Aside from this blog enhancing our SEO (dumb internet points that can make or break your internet presence), I truly love writing, even if it only amounts to someone (hopefully) getting a chuckle out of these relatively quick-reads.
Today is the start of a blog series, Weird Coffee. My job is to persuade you to buy more of our products by telling you all of the oddball utilities coffee has other than the usual liquid caffeine-to-mouth-to-stomach-to-brain method we all know and love. My hope is that one of these odd examples in this post and future posts will resonate with you and the urge to look quirky in front of your peers will trigger a dopamine rush that will force you to remove money from your bank account and put it in ours. Now that you know my true intentions, let's show you what I think is the weirdest way to use Youngstown Coffee-
Coffee enemas are not only a thing, but they’re kind of popular? Why? Why are humans so obsessed with putting things up their butts that don’t belong there? I guess that’s not really for me to judge… If you buy our coffee, you can shove it where the sun don’t shine, and that’s not an insult, oddly enough those are your instructions. (Tony, I’m worried people aren’t going to take this well. This should probably be the last time we merge the coffee company and butt-stuff) I know this may sound like a shocker to some of you, but our colons are self-cleaning organs. Please stop letting big companies sell you pseudo-health products that don’t do anything your body can’t do itself. Now, you may be thinking “that’s exactly what you’re trying to do right now, Tim.” But you’re wrong, we are a medium-sized company and we aren’t promising any health benefits. The most we can guarantee is a story to tell your friends, exclusively for the purpose of one-upping them regarding who’s weirder.
Just like anything else that’s not incredibly smart to do, let’s talk about harm prevention.
First off, talk to your doctor. Let them laugh at you, and then once you're told it’s a bad idea and you still want to do it anyway, here’s how it’s gotta go down.
According to The Wall Street Journal I have to pay $4/month to read a single article written in 2009 about the proper way to shove coffee up my ass, so their opinion is no longer valid, and we’ll be referencing Medical News Today-
- Brew 2 tablespoons of coffee in a 1-liter mixture of distilled water. The coffee can be brewed in a traditional coffee maker that makes about 4 cups of 8-ounce coffee. There should be no grounds left in the coffee. (We suggest YCC’s Dark Star Blend. Not only is the name fitting, but I feel as if the low acidity and low caffeine levels sound way less threatening.)
- Allow sufficient time for the coffee mixture to cool to room temperature. Never use hot or even warm water for the enema.
- Place towels down on a bed, couch, or other area where the person can lie on their left side to instill the water. Being close to the restroom will be helpful as the person may need to use the restroom urgently. (The bathtub might be a good idea too.)
- Instill the coffee mixture into the rectum using an enema system. These can often be purchased at the drugstore. Most have a water bottle with tubing attached that is inserted into the rectum.
- A person may wish to use a water-based lubricant on the edge of the tip to ensure ease of insertion. (Gross)
- Instill as much of the 1-liter coffee/water solution into the rectum as possible. The entire solution may not go in, and it should not be forced in. (DO NOT FORCE IT.)
- The solution should be held in the rectum for 10 to 15 minutes. (Seems like a really long time to me, but okay) Enemas are most effective when held for this amount of time. Afterwards, a person should try and go to the bathroom.
- A person may have to repeat the enema a few hours later if they did not experience significant results from the first one.
Following up on that last bullet point, what are significant results? What’s the desired effect here? Some people apparently report feelings of mental clarity and increased energy. This is truly just drinking a cup of coffee with extra steps… Other than it’s also reported to help normalize bowel movements if you suffer from constipation. You could also forgo getting an enema by just eating vegetables and lots of fiber too, but who am I to tell you how to deal with your constipation.
You may be thinking, there’s no harm in drinking a cup of coffee from the wrong end, but actually, it could be lethal. Wow, what a way to go out, can you imagine? According to good ole’ Wiki, coffee enemas carry risk of infection, seizures, heart and lungs problems, and death. The National Cancer Institute accounts for three coffee enema related deaths. “Taking too many enemas of any kind can cause changes in normal blood chemistry, chemicals that occur naturally in the body and keep the muscles, heart, and other organs working properly.”
What a weird thing that humans do. I don’t really think I should suggest our customers do anything that can cause serious health effects or death, but if you’re still reading, I’m happy you stuck around for the ride. If you’ve happened to have a coffee enema, we’d love to hear about it, just kidding, keep it to yourself. So, that’s that. Disgusting in my opinion, but if it drives sales, who knows, maybe one day we’ll have an enema blend. I sure hope not, though.
Don’t forget to tip your waitresses, make a $1 donation to Wikipedia, & default on your student loans,